Confessions to Srila Gurudeva

Oh Gurudeva I am enmeshed in this worldly affair. I realize that my own mind and my conception about my own self and the world around me are false yet I am forced by habit to feel confident about it. Kindly infuse into me your grace and help me understand the real purport of the word “surrender”. I have strong likes and dislikes and I find myself incapable of tolerating others although externally I try to put up a pleasant face. Oh Gurudeva kindly help me tolerate the world as by your mercy I can understand that tolerating the world is not different from tolerating my own fallen self.  Oh Gurudeva I am so confident of myself and I often fall flat on my face when I realize that my confidence is simply my bloated ego yet I shamelessly continue to feed this confidence out of habit. Oh Gurudeva kindly have mercy on me and relieve me of this debilitating habit.

Oh Gurudeva I am a born cheater and I try to sell my own concepts to the world without caring for the authenticity of what I talk. I try to influence others and spread falsehood all the time. When will I be able to wiggle out of this compulsive cheating habit? Dear Gurudeva I know that you are my only shelter and you are beyond the modes of material confessionnature. Although I know for the fact that you are supremely capable of delivering fallen jeevas like me, I continue to doubt your statements and cross-question confirming that I am wretched and do not deserve any compassion from you. Yet your are ever compassionate and tolerate a misfit like me. My beloved Gurudeva, I do not trust anyone and I do not trust myself what to ask about my trust in the Lord. In that mood of mistrust I form my own lame assumptions and continue to get confidently bewildered. This is my nature considering the fact that I carry with me the impressions of the eight point four million life species that I have traversed before I attained this invaluable human birth. Although I have a human birth and due to the inconceivable mercy of the Lord I have been blessed by your shelter, I continue to hang around merrily with my associates namely lust, anger, greed, illusion, pride and envy.  It is said in the scriptures that your mere presence will waiver all the inauspiciousness in one’s life. How unfortunate I am Oh Gurudeva that I continue to question everything that you say and simply ignore this priceless benediction of the Lord.

Having taken your shelter I continue to aimlessly seek other’s opinion about life and God and revel in my disobedience to you Oh mighty protector of the fallen. Gurudeva, your benign words of wisdom fall on my ears which are infected with snakes and scorpions of mistrust and frivolousness. My surrender to you is simply an act of pomp and show-off whereby I will be able boast to the world about my dubious pious nature. Oh Gurudeva , although I boast about my faith in you and the Lord my actions indicate that my weaknesses have the better share of me and I see that I am simply a puppet at the hands of my feebleness. Oh Gurudeva I am full of “I me and mine” and I am wrecked totally by this however by your mercy I can understand that my inability to serve you is riveted on my false ego. Although sometimes I serve you, I am proud of it and make it a point of advertisement whereby I further get entrenched in the dirty mire of self-deceit. In the end I just want to confess to you that in spite of my all unforgivable offensive nature, your benign presence in my life is the only beacon of hope. The sacrilege of my offensive nature Oh beloved master can only be cleansed by your will to salvage me. Kindly accept the confessions of this fallen jeeva.

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